revisiting, wandering (if you know what i mean)

Masakit,
Malungkot,
Ngunit hinding-hindi ko
ipaparamdam sayo ang lahat ng ito.

-pulsar.mugenblue.blogspot.com

let me write something about someone [who used to be] very special to me.nope, am not gonna rant here our "love" (charot c:) story.i just want you all to know how good he is, why i fell for him, and why "the one" whom he'll end up with,or if he already has someone now, is so lucky for having him.

there is a very simple reason why i loved him; that is, "because he's exactly not me".everything about him is lovable.he's smart, very very smart in fact, well-bred, sensible, happy, secure, kind and respectful.

he has "immeasurable" capacity for forgiveness. he's very humble and he never bragged about his achievements in life. despite all the talents, he remains simple, dreaming only of the simple things in life...in fact, as i see it, he's content with the thought of just loving and being loved in return.

i loved him because he is not me. he is more than what i am, and he will never become the same person that i am now. i hated myself before, but i abhorred myself more when i met him.i hated my childishness, my temper, my stupidities, my insecurities, my everything....don't get me wrong, when i say i hate myself, i don't refer to a "bad hate". i usually use the feeling of "self-hatred" to demand change in me, to demand for something better so i will develop love for my being.

he used to be the reason why i wanted changes in my life. he was the reason why i helped myself improve, why i sought for progress in the way i think and process things, he was my inspiration in my everyday dealings. needless [to] say, he is a great influence in my life.

i started this post with borrowed (without permission) lines from sir pulsar.why? because those lines say everything about me and him (the guy with a wandering havaianas).again, as i said a while ago, he is somebody that is not me (i hope that makes sense)

like pulsar, unlike him, i will never ever let somebody know that i am hurting, that i am in pain, that i need help and i am suffering.i will just remain silent, keeping the pain deep down, guarding it with my laughter, shielding it with my jests. i would rather stay in my room and sleep than talk or confront somebody about my discomforts.never have i ever learned how to vent out, how to say stop and mean it, how to say no with conviction and assert my right to something.

i fell for him coz he is never hesitant to tell the world what he feels. he's never afraid to speak out his mind.he would tell me if i am wrong and that I've hurt him.he would apologize and would mean it if there's a need to.

he would cry for a whole day if he's in pain, emotionally that is, and he's never ashamed to tell me about it.i don't know what he wants me to think whenever he does that, what i know is,it only makes me more deeply attached to him.it makes me realize that the person that he is is a normal human being....damn secure and genuine both to himself and to the world.

one last but most important thing, he's never afraid to say that he is madly in love.that somebody took over his heart and he is happy about it.he never had second thoughts about telling me about everything he feels.

i wouldn't do that myself.most of the times; i think that admitting to someone that he's your world is synonymous with swallowing your pride and giving up your dignity.exaggeration right? but it is true.with my insecurities and all, i vowed never to let anybody know and enjoy the thought of him hurting me or him being my weakness. that's too much for me.

good thing he's not like me c: with that, i know he'll always be happy....:p

Adik lang po...

"It's not enough that you've loved me for what i am,
you also have to love me
for what I am not"

-anne curtis

charot lang.di naman masyadong demanding.ahihi

ayoko na mag explain.basta, may sense ang statement ni lola anne :)

sa mga nag reak sa post ko kahapon, salamat po.walang personalan, inadik adik lang ako kahapon.walang makain eh, ayun, katol ang nadale.wala yun, woookieee?

**********

katuwa lang ang biruan eh..payday..

chen: hay padala na naman ako sa nanay ko.

papa rey: bakit?

chen: syempre, ako kasi ang breadwinner.

papa rey: ahihi..tama nga...ikaw, bread ang kinakain, ang nanay mo, winner!

ahahaha.adik :p

******ehehehe

bading na bading ang kanta sa blog ko.naman.hannah montana yan :p

Fair Fight

last day of "nesting" today.we're now moving on to production.no more supports, no more assists, like a bird, we now have to spread our own wings and rely on to ourselves.gawd i'm so afraid...it's either i make it or not.

i still have the chills.the fear.the anxieties. whenever i'm about to approach the station, i just don't know.my stomach cramps, my knees weaken, my mouth dries and arggghh my mind spins.there's only a single thing that i do whenever hesitation starts to creep in..i say my favorite prayer, The Lord's Prayer.and it works, always.

funny how i was able to formulate a little theory on how to avoid impossible and irate customers. it started when i noticed that whenever i take a station with a fat headset,i mean a kinda big headset, sales would flow in, kudos would come and overall satisfaction will be expressed by most of the callers. short calls because of simple concerns also are the ones lined up for those stations with kinda big headsets, therefore helping improve my average handling time or the number of minutes i spend (t) on each call.when seat shortage however occurs and i will be forced to take a cubicle with a thin headset, the opposite happens.

this theory, however, remains a secret coz i don't want my teammates to think that i'm suffering from psychological disorder.hahaha.bleh :p

going back to my chills, i approached TL and told her that I am really afraid to work on my own.I cited my lack of experience in this business as the one responsible for my level zero confidence. modesty aside, i know i'm doing good.excellent in fact...my score card serves as my evidence to that but that's not enough for me to believe that i am now ready to be on my own.

she just smiled at me and said,

"you know what?, i understand you.two years ago, i also had the same predicaments.the chills while walking on the hallway, the endless praying of Hail Mary....but i have always believed in the importance of a FAIR FIGHT.

and a FAIR FIGHT means giving yourself a chance...trying....believing....we don't know what will happen, we might fail but remember, we might also succeed.

do not deny yourself a fair fight mike..."

i sighed...smiled....thanked her....approached my station and sighed again....logged in....pressed auto in...


fair fight now begins...:p

**********************************************************

*how i wish i had given myself a fair fight when i was still with him.too bad TL was not there yet to tell me those words.had i known, i could have been fighting till now.

sad that i already pressed the log-out button on his life.sad that i have no more calls to answer on the line that we built together.

sad that there would be no more "thank you for calling, please have a good day, i'm just here on the other line, i'm listening, i understand your point, i apologize for that, let me help you with that, please take care, please expect a callback from me..."

no more "please call me anytime you need me.."

no more "i love you..please hold on"


sigh...