revisiting, wandering (if you know what i mean)

Masakit,
Malungkot,
Ngunit hinding-hindi ko
ipaparamdam sayo ang lahat ng ito.

-pulsar.mugenblue.blogspot.com

let me write something about someone [who used to be] very special to me.nope, am not gonna rant here our "love" (charot c:) story.i just want you all to know how good he is, why i fell for him, and why "the one" whom he'll end up with,or if he already has someone now, is so lucky for having him.

there is a very simple reason why i loved him; that is, "because he's exactly not me".everything about him is lovable.he's smart, very very smart in fact, well-bred, sensible, happy, secure, kind and respectful.

he has "immeasurable" capacity for forgiveness. he's very humble and he never bragged about his achievements in life. despite all the talents, he remains simple, dreaming only of the simple things in life...in fact, as i see it, he's content with the thought of just loving and being loved in return.

i loved him because he is not me. he is more than what i am, and he will never become the same person that i am now. i hated myself before, but i abhorred myself more when i met him.i hated my childishness, my temper, my stupidities, my insecurities, my everything....don't get me wrong, when i say i hate myself, i don't refer to a "bad hate". i usually use the feeling of "self-hatred" to demand change in me, to demand for something better so i will develop love for my being.

he used to be the reason why i wanted changes in my life. he was the reason why i helped myself improve, why i sought for progress in the way i think and process things, he was my inspiration in my everyday dealings. needless [to] say, he is a great influence in my life.

i started this post with borrowed (without permission) lines from sir pulsar.why? because those lines say everything about me and him (the guy with a wandering havaianas).again, as i said a while ago, he is somebody that is not me (i hope that makes sense)

like pulsar, unlike him, i will never ever let somebody know that i am hurting, that i am in pain, that i need help and i am suffering.i will just remain silent, keeping the pain deep down, guarding it with my laughter, shielding it with my jests. i would rather stay in my room and sleep than talk or confront somebody about my discomforts.never have i ever learned how to vent out, how to say stop and mean it, how to say no with conviction and assert my right to something.

i fell for him coz he is never hesitant to tell the world what he feels. he's never afraid to speak out his mind.he would tell me if i am wrong and that I've hurt him.he would apologize and would mean it if there's a need to.

he would cry for a whole day if he's in pain, emotionally that is, and he's never ashamed to tell me about it.i don't know what he wants me to think whenever he does that, what i know is,it only makes me more deeply attached to him.it makes me realize that the person that he is is a normal human being....damn secure and genuine both to himself and to the world.

one last but most important thing, he's never afraid to say that he is madly in love.that somebody took over his heart and he is happy about it.he never had second thoughts about telling me about everything he feels.

i wouldn't do that myself.most of the times; i think that admitting to someone that he's your world is synonymous with swallowing your pride and giving up your dignity.exaggeration right? but it is true.with my insecurities and all, i vowed never to let anybody know and enjoy the thought of him hurting me or him being my weakness. that's too much for me.

good thing he's not like me c: with that, i know he'll always be happy....:p